Funny Shit (home) → A Duel, by Chris Ahern
This used to be on another page but it's now a local mirror (I liked it so much I kept a copy). I've removed the personal details the file used to contain since I'm not in contact with the author and don't know if they care either way. It was written in 1997 or so. I forget exactly. It continues to amuse me; plus I must confess to having used a variation of the badger line here and there. Sincere flattery? Yeah, it's a good line.
(An email from Chris A. - duelling and religious debate.)
Here's something which isn't a joke, just something I was thinking of this morning. Wouldn't the world be better (or at least the country) if we had duels? Things would be so much simpler. For a start, we wouldn't have to put up with bloody parliamentary whining - Keating would have challenegd Howard to a duel years ago and whipped his butt. Mummy's boy Downer wouldn't even be a political force (well, not that he could be called that anyway).
But, more importantly, daily life would be more entertaining and meaningful. For example, two Christians approached Nicole and I outside the Biol refect yesterday and assaulted us with their beliefs. If duels were a matter of course it would have been a more interesting scenario, with the victor proven in their beliefs. This holds especially for religious types, who would have to count victory/deafeat as proof/disproof of their rightness.
[Two Christian cultists approach two innocent students trying to enjoy some quiet time together on the grass]
Cultist: Hi. Mind if we talk to you for a while?
Nicole: Sure. I invite Jehova's Witnesses into my home, how could I turn down someone wearing a blue scivvy?
Chris [aside]: Something's not right here. I sense something is afoot!
Cultist: [pulling out a small brochure] What do you guys know about Christianity?
Chris: Oh my Gog! You're a Christian!
[onlookers flee in terror]
[Chris draws his rapier.]
Chris: I'll have none of your foul corruption here! Have it, you!
Cultist: [Drawing sword and backing defensively] Hey, take it easy, man, Jesus loves you.
[Chris attacks in a flurry of enraged blows]
Chris: Not if I have anything to do with it! Don't give me that. Religion is something humanity should have outgrown. It's simply a simplistic point of view created by primitive society to explain an existence they didn't have the science to explain themselves and was probably invented by some bloody wierdo shaman who lived in his own filth and wore a badger on his head so was judged a wiseman by the tribal elders.
[Cultist is on the defensive, outclassed by superior swordsmanship, weakened by pacifistic ideals and outgunned by intelligent argument.]
Cultist: But hey, religion isn't simplistic! We've got all these cool rules. Did you know it's a sin to wear a little rubber thing on your willy? No shaman came up with that!
[Riposte]
Chris: No, that was a typical ethic handed down from the pope, a position held for most of Christianity's history by corrupt nobles who fed off their subjects and lived in corrupt opulence. Just face it, religion is contrived to justify death and prevent people from despairing in the futility of existence.
[With a triumphant shove, Chris caused the cultist to stagger and scores a deep cut to the ribs, rending scivvy and flesh alike.]
Cultist: Aaarrrgh! We're outclassed! Logic!
[Cultists moan and gnash their teeth]
Female Christian: No, we must hold strong in our belief. Here! The Shield of Blind Faith! [tosses shield to Cultist]
[Chris presses the advantage, but cannot strike flesh past the broad shield]
Chris: Damn! I hold the high ground, and am strong in my rightness, but his unquestioning obedience makes him personally impenetrable to my attack.
Cultist: Ha! You seek to use logic against Christians? This will be your downfall!
[He attacks wildly, forcing Chris backwards]
[Chris leaps upon a refect table. The duel continues across tabletops thoughout the room]
Chris: Must... be... incisive! [An idea! He parries.] How do you explain Fossilised bones and proof of millions of years of earth history if the universe was created six thousand years ago by God?
[Cultist falters]
Cultist: Um, that's just a conspiracy: propaganda by satanists seeking to undermine God's influence.
[His manner, however, shows doubt]
Chris: Bullshit. [Scores another cut to the cultist's arm]
Cultist: How do *you* explain the existence of the universe? [Blood appears on Chris' leg] If you can't accept a god, what caused the moment between there being nothing and the universe existing? [a slash barely misses Chris' head] What existed before that? [With a triumphant cry the cultist disarms Chris and closes for the kill] God has led me to victory!
[Chris kicks cultist in the testicles and draws daggers from his Docs]
Chris: Not by a long shot, scivvy boy.
Nicole: Chris! My prac is about to start! Finish it quickly!
Chris: This will take time. He's still got his shield and rapier. I can take the little ponce but I have to wear him down!
Nicole: Oh, for Gog's sake, just use the axe above the fireplace.
Chris: [ducking a sword blow] This is the biol refect. It doesn't have a bloody fireplace!
Nicole: You're having a duel. There's always a fireplace.
Chris: Solid point.
[Tossing a dagger, Chris pins the cultists foot to the floor and rolls off the table to grasp one of two axes crossed over the fireplace.]
Chris: WHO CREATED GOD?
[Triumphantly Chris wields the axe, decapitating the Christian with the combination of a sharp blade and unarguable paradox]
Chris: That'll show 'im. I don't mind most Christians, but these preaching ones really annoy me. Anyway Niccy, we're safe now: the rest of them are in disarray and won't be a threat until they elect a new leader. They couldn't combat the possibilty of a higher power than God. Can you pass me my sword, Dear - it's beside that table there.
[Nicole lifts Chris's sword and runs him through]
Nicole: I told you not to call me Dear. [Kicks Chris' lifeless corpse] And nobody likes a smartarse.
FIN