Billy Connolly's life lessons
Sage advice from the Big Yin:
- Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
- Have lots of long lie-ins.
- Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must
lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven
and they'll think you look f*cking great.
- Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go
and seeing it swimming away.
- Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
- If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every
day just sitting.
- Boo joggers.
- Don't work out, work in.
- Play the banjo.
- Sleep with somebody you like.
- Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
- Try to live in a place you like.
- Marry somebody you like.
- Try to do a job you like.
- Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the
top of your voice.
- Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
- Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look
forward to it.
- Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?
He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
- Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's
spinach on them.
- Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who
are trying to understand the question.
- Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
- If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
- Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international
language, it has no swear words.
- If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks"
- Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
- Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
- Salute nobody.
- Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
- Campaign against blue Smarties.
- Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and
square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over
your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to
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