DAAS Dialogue Transcripts. If you don't know who DAAS are, go check them out on YouTube.
Just answer these questions in your own minds and in your own hearts. Most importantly, answer these questions honestly.
- You're walking along a country road. It's a beautiful spring day. As you walk along, you notice that up ahead in the distance, lying in the middle of the road in the dirt, is a tiny baby sparrow. Both its wings are broken. You have....a hammer.
- You're a medical student in your final year of study. It's a very very important year for you. Because of the economic climate, you've been forced to live with your grandmother. She's a tattoo artist - with Parkinson's disease. Every time she makes you a cup of coffee she shakes so much it froths up the milk on top, which is something you can't fucking stand. You have....a hammer.
- You're a young and upwardly mobile merchant banker. Your girlfriend has just fallen pregnant. You think a child at this point in your career could be detrimental to your future career prospects. You have....a coathanger.
- You are an arctic explorer. For the past six months you've been travelling through the arctic waste. It has been a period of intense isolation and loneliness for you, devoid of contact with any other human being. On this particular day you're walking along a stretch of beach some eight kilometers in length. At the far end of that beach, basking itself on a broad, flat rock there's a beautiful, white, baby seal. As you approach you notice that its eyes are like two deep, brown pools. Its fur is as fresh and as clean and as white as the driven snow around it. It is an unsurpassed beauty and splendor between man, beast and nature. You have ....an erection.
- This man... has been dragged along behind a truck for 17 miles across the desert so we can't show you his face.
- This man... is 96 years old so we can't show you his erections.
- This man... is Nana Mouskouri.
- This man... is a Catholic priest so we can't show you his genitals.
- This man... is from Tasmania so we can't show you his Y chromosome.
- This man... is Paul McDermott so we can't show you his deodorant.
- This man... is a psychopath so we can't show you his happy childhood.
- This man... is a eunuch so we can't show you his grandchildren.
- This man... is from the remote mining town of Ingaroobli so we can't show you his brain.
- This man... is Elizabeth Taylor so we can't show you his hymen.
- This man... is Paul McDermott so we can't show you his...6th foot.
- This man... is Harold Holt so we can't show you his body.
If you're happy and you know it....
- skin a penguin and then give its skin to a midget to wear as a tuxedo.
- take your grandfather for a walk round the cemetry so he gets used to the view.
- go and stand next to blind people waiting at traffic lights and go beep beep beep beep beep.
- go round to an old person'e home, remove all the wheel chair ramps and scream fire, fire, fire.
- give homeless people venetian blinds, 'cause what they need more than your pity is a bit of bloody privacy.
- wear a dress and pretend you're Margaret Thatcher - that's what he does.
- disguise yourself as a parcel, sit on the tube, and wait to be destroyed.
- pretend your a tatoo artist with Parkinson's disease.
- give lifelong investments to terminally ill patients.
- get a razor blade, run it along the length of your tongue, and then eat some salt.
- give dyslexic children copies of James Joyce's Ulysees to read, backwards.
- give Yul Brinner another cigarette.
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