Understanding Technicians

Terminology used by technicians
Stuffed A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.
Fucked Terminally stuffed.
Fuck me dead A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.
Fuck it all An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.
Fucking bloody fuck An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.
Holy bloody shit The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.
Shit, fuck, shit The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.
Shit, shit, shit Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.
How the fuck... Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.
Bloody fuck Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.
Holy fucking shit This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.
Bugger bloody fuck You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.
Fucking damn shit I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.
Fucking bloody damn A general phrase indicating minor irritation.
Holy bloody fuck My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.
Bugger, fuck, damn An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.
I don't talk to dorks like you An expression that initiates many long and meaningful meetings between your management and the customer, where your manager desperately tries to persuade the customer that something you passionately believe in has never entered your head.
If you're such a clever dick, why don't you fix the bloody thing A phrase which precedes an unusually long period before the next salary increase. Can be effective at getting you on a Customer Relations course.
Fuck off syphillis face A phrase used with customers upon being asked how much bloody longer you intend to be.
If you don't like the way I'm fucking fixing it... I was taught that a screwdriver also doubles as a cold chisel, a putty knife, a tyre lever, a door jam, a paint stirrer, a big nail, an emergency fuse link, something to lean under the tyre of your managers car, or a tool to wake snoozing apprentices (when sharpened).
Why don't you fucking buy another one If you persist in using something built during the Crimean War, of course it will sometimes break down.

Copyright Brett Cupitt, Lake Cathie 1995. Reproduced with permission.