Women - A Chemical Analysis

Illustration of Chemical Analysis

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

  • ELEMENT: Woman
  • SYMBOL: ♀
  • ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg-225kg
  • OCCURRENCES:Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties

  1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
  2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
  3. Melts if given special treatment.
  4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
  5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
  6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties

  1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
  2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
  3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
  4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
  5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses

  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
  2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
  3. Can be an effective cleaning agent.


  1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state.
  2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
  2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimen don't come into direct contact with each other.

The image is a newer version of this joke. It's interesting to see how internet jokes morph over time! -h