Streamlining Christmas
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North
Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping channels
and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and they could
not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer
will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in
the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph " a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole
to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in
the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining
a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day
is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management
that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
- Nine ladies dancing has always been a odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing the group with ten out-of-work police officers. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect
an oversupply of unemployed officers this year.
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
bottom line.
- We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.
- egarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a- litigating"), action
is pending.
- Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts happen, the Board
will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if 'seven
dwarfs' is a) the right number and b) changed to 'the seven vertically challenged
folk'.
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