Christmas Cake Recipe


  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • 1 bottle Johnnie Walker


  1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
  2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  3. Repeat.
  4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
  7. Turn off the mixerer.
  8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  9. Mix on the turner.
  10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
  12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
  13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  14. Add one table.
  15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
  16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
  17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
  18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  19. Throw the bowl through the f**king window.
  20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.