Blissful Relationships

Make her happy.

(note the full stop)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

Action	Score
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car	+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station	-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb	+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away	-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish	+1
You leave dishes in the sink	-1
You leave them under the bed	-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings	+5
But return with beer	-5
You leave the toilet seat up	-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty	0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex	-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom	-2
You make the bed	+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows	0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets	-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night	+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing	0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something	+5
You pummel it with a six iron	+10
It's her father	-10

Social Engagements

Action	Score
You stay by her side the entire party	0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy	-2
Named Tiffany	-4
Tiffany is a dancer	-6
Tiffany has implants	-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly	+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump	-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"	+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"	-6
That woman is her sister	-90
You have one drink, and that's it	0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle	-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted	-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

Action	Score
You unclog a stopped-up toilet	+6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit	+7
You get rid of a dead rodent	+8
remove the collie from the thresher	+12
You take her mother to see Cats	+16

Saturday Afternoon

Action	Score
You go to the mall together	+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car	+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar	-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it	+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.	0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk	+3
Most of it chips and beer	-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den	+15
Or refinishing the floors	+16
Or rewiring the basement	+17
Or adding a second floor	+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket	-6
And you're tickled pink about it	-15
You visit her parents	+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation	+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television	-3
And the television is off	-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear	-6
And you didn't even go to college	-10
And it's not your underwear	-15

Her Birthday

Action	Score
You take her out to dinner	0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar	+1
Okay, it is a sports bar	-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night	-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team	-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player	+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing	+4
And you stink, but keep it short	+2
And you're not half bad	+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause	-2
You give her a gift	0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance	-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance	+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate	+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months	+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day	-10
With her credit card	-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big	-40

Thoughtfulness

Action	Score
You forget her birthday completely	-10
You forget your anniversary	-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station	-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey	-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast	-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Action	Score
Go out with a pal	-5
And the pal is happily married	-4
Or frighteningly single	-7
And he drives a Trans Am	-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED	-15
You have a few beers	-9
And miss curfew by an hour	-12
You get home at 3 am	-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars	-30
And not wearing any pants	-40
Is that a tattoo???	-200

Her Night Out

Action	Score
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends	+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late	+10
You wait up	+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed	+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom	+25
Which you clean up	+35

A Night At Home

Action	Score
You watch TV together	0
You rent a movie	+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY	+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout	+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep	-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool	-2

A Night Out

Action	Score
You take her to a movie	+2
You take her to a movie she likes	+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon	+6
You take her to a movie you like	-2
It's called DeathCop 3	-7
Which features cyborgs having sex	-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs	-15

Flowers

Action	Score
You buy her flowers only when it's expected	0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it	+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself	+10
And she contracts Lyme disease	-25

Your Physique

Action	Score
You develop a noticeable potbelly	-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it	+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts	-5

Grooming

Action	Score
You trim your nails	+5
You trim your nails in the living room	-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat	-15
You shave on the weekends	+2
You don't shave on the weekends	-4
You don't bathe on the weekends either	-8
But then, neither does she	+8

Finances

Action	Score
You spend a lot of money on something impractical	-5
Something she can't use	-10
Such as a motorized model airplane	-20
And your kid needs braces	-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces	-120

Driving

Action	Score
You lose the directions on a trip	-4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost	-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town	-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal	-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt	-60

The Big Question

Action	Score
She asks, "Do I look fat?"	-5*
You hesitate in responding	-10
You reply, "Where?"	-25

* Sensitive questions always start with a deficit.

A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")

Communication

Action	Score
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression	0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes	+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV	+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep	-10

→ Check out more Funny Shit

Funny Shit