Blissful Relationships
Make her happy.
(note the full stop)
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
| Action |
Score |
| You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car |
+1 |
| You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station |
-1 |
| You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb |
+1 |
| You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away |
-1 |
| You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish |
+1 |
| You leave dishes in the sink |
-1 |
| You leave them under the bed |
-5 |
| You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings |
+5 |
| But return with beer |
-5 |
| You leave the toilet seat up |
-1 |
| You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty |
0 |
| When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex |
-1 |
| When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom |
-2 |
| You make the bed |
+1 |
| You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows |
0 |
| You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets |
-1 |
| You check out a suspicious noise at night |
+1 |
| You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing |
0 |
| You check out a suspicious noise and it's something |
+5 |
| You pummel it with a six iron |
+10 |
| It's her father |
-10 |
Social Engagements
| Action |
Score |
| You stay by her side the entire party |
0 |
| You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy |
-2 |
| Named Tiffany |
-4 |
| Tiffany is a dancer |
-6 |
| Tiffany has implants |
-8 |
| When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly |
+1 |
| When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump |
-5 |
| When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" |
+1 |
| When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" |
-6 |
| That woman is her sister |
-90 |
| You have one drink, and that's it |
0 |
| You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle |
-2 |
| You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted |
-18 |
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
| Action |
Score |
| You unclog a stopped-up toilet |
+6 |
| You clean up cat, dog or human vomit |
+7 |
| You get rid of a dead rodent |
+8 |
| remove the collie from the thresher |
+12 |
| You take her mother to see Cats |
+16 |
Saturday Afternoon
| Action |
Score |
| You go to the mall together |
+3 |
| You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car |
+4 |
| You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar |
-2 |
| You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it |
+3 |
| You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. |
0 |
| You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk |
+3 |
| Most of it chips and beer |
-6 |
| You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den |
+15 |
| Or refinishing the floors |
+16 |
| Or rewiring the basement |
+17 |
| Or adding a second floor |
+18 |
| Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket |
-6 |
| And you're tickled pink about it |
-15 |
| You visit her parents |
+1 |
| You visit her parents and actually make conversation |
+3 |
| You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television |
-3 |
| And the television is off |
-6 |
| You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear |
-6 |
| And you didn't even go to college |
-10 |
| And it's not your underwear |
-15 |
Her Birthday
| Action |
Score |
| You take her out to dinner |
0 |
| You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar |
+1 |
| Okay, it is a sports bar |
-2 |
| And it's all-you-can-eat night |
-3 |
| It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team |
-10 |
| You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player |
+3 |
| You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing |
+4 |
| And you stink, but keep it short |
+2 |
| And you're not half bad |
+5 |
| You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause |
-2 |
| You give her a gift |
0 |
| You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance |
-10 |
| You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance |
+1 |
| You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate |
+2 |
| You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months |
+30 |
| You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day |
-10 |
| With her credit card |
-30 |
| And whatever you bought is two sizes too big |
-40 |
Thoughtfulness
| Action |
Score |
| You forget her birthday completely |
-10 |
| You forget your anniversary |
-20 |
| You forget to pick her up at the bus station |
-25 |
| Which is in Newark, New Jersey |
-35 |
| And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast |
-50 |
A Night Out With The Boys
| Action |
Score |
| Go out with a pal |
-5 |
| And the pal is happily married |
-4 |
| Or frighteningly single |
-7 |
| And he drives a Trans Am |
-10 |
| With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED |
-15 |
| You have a few beers |
-9 |
| And miss curfew by an hour |
-12 |
| You get home at 3 am |
-20 |
| You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars |
-30 |
| And not wearing any pants |
-40 |
| Is that a tattoo??? |
-200 |
Her Night Out
| Action |
Score |
| You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends |
+5 |
| She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late |
+10 |
| You wait up |
+15 |
| She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed |
+20 |
| She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom |
+25 |
| Which you clean up |
+35 |
A Night At Home
| Action |
Score |
| You watch TV together |
0 |
| You rent a movie |
+1 |
| You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY |
+3 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout |
+5 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep |
-1 |
| It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool |
-2 |
A Night Out
| Action |
Score |
| You take her to a movie |
+2 |
| You take her to a movie she likes |
+4 |
| You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon |
+6 |
| You take her to a movie you like |
-2 |
| It's called DeathCop 3 |
-7 |
| Which features cyborgs having sex |
-9 |
| You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs |
-15 |
Flowers
| Action |
Score |
| You buy her flowers only when it's expected |
0 |
| You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it |
+5 |
| You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself |
+10 |
| And she contracts Lyme disease |
-25 |
Your Physique
| Action |
Score |
| You develop a noticeable potbelly |
-15 |
| You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it |
+10 |
| You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts |
-5 |
Grooming
| Action |
Score |
| You trim your nails |
+5 |
| You trim your nails in the living room |
-10 |
| You trim your nails and flick them at the cat |
-15 |
| You shave on the weekends |
+2 |
| You don't shave on the weekends |
-4 |
| You don't bathe on the weekends either |
-8 |
| But then, neither does she |
+8 |
Finances
| Action |
Score |
| You spend a lot of money on something impractical |
-5 |
| Something she can't use |
-10 |
| Such as a motorized model airplane |
-20 |
| And your kid needs braces |
-30 |
| In fact, all four of the kids need braces |
-120 |
Driving
| Action |
Score |
| You lose the directions on a trip |
-4 |
| You lose the direction and end up getting lost |
-10 |
| You end up getting lost in a bad part of town |
-15 |
| You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal |
-25 |
| She finds out you lied about having a black belt |
-60 |
The Big Question
| Action |
Score |
| She asks, "Do I look fat?" |
-5* |
| You hesitate in responding |
-10 |
| You reply, "Where?" |
-25 |
* Sensitive questions always start with a deficit.
A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")
Communication
| Action |
Score |
| When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression |
0 |
| When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes |
+5 |
| You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV |
+10 |
| She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep |
-10 |
→ Check out more Funny Shit