Blissful Relationships

Make her happy.

(note the full stop)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

Action Score
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave dishes in the sink -1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night +1
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10

Social Engagements

Action Score
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" -6
That woman is her sister -90
You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

Action Score
You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
remove the collie from the thresher +12
You take her mother to see Cats +16

Saturday Afternoon

Action Score
You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den +15
Or refinishing the floors +16
Or rewiring the basement +17
Or adding a second floor +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're tickled pink about it -15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear -6
And you didn't even go to college -10
And it's not your underwear -15

Her Birthday

Action Score
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing +4
And you stink, but keep it short +2
And you're not half bad +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10
With her credit card -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big -40

Thoughtfulness

Action Score
You forget her birthday completely -10
You forget your anniversary -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Action Score
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Trans Am -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED -15
You have a few beers -9
And miss curfew by an hour -12
You get home at 3 am -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30
And not wearing any pants -40
Is that a tattoo??? -200

Her Night Out

Action Score
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late +10
You wait up +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom +25
Which you clean up +35

A Night At Home

Action Score
You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

Action Score
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs -15

Flowers

Action Score
You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself +10
And she contracts Lyme disease -25

Your Physique

Action Score
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -5

Grooming

Action Score
You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat -15
You shave on the weekends +2
You don't shave on the weekends -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either -8
But then, neither does she +8

Finances

Action Score
You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she can't use -10
Such as a motorized model airplane -20
And your kid needs braces -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces -120

Driving

Action Score
You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt -60

The Big Question

Action Score
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5*
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -25

* Sensitive questions always start with a deficit.

A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")

Communication

Action Score
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -10