50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH
- Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
- A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
- Put stray dogs in coat closets.
- Un-tune the piano.
- Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
- Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
- Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
- Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
- Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
- Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
- Start a wave.
- Do cool things with the lighting.
- When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
- Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
- When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
- Make up your own words to the songs.
- Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
- Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
- If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!
- Dress all in black, or in camo. Act like you're having flashbacks.
- Pierce a pork chop or some other piece of meat with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
- If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
- At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
- Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
- Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
- Inflate balloons, then send them off.
- Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
- Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
- Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
- Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
- During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
- Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
- Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
- Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
- When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
- Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
- Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
- Blow bubbles.
- Fake a possession.
- Distribute condoms.
- Speak in tongues.
- Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
- Drool in the collection plate.
- Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
- After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
- Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
- At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
- Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
- Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
- Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
--- FMail 0.96â
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